reluctant christian

 long time no blog........
How can anyone possibly condense, thoughts, feelings, reflections, and experiences of the past 9 months or so into a couple of paragraphs?

I became a Christian. There I  said it.
Shocking?
It was for me.

I don't know if I actually chose to become a Christian, in fact I don't believe that's what happened at all. I believe Christ chose me.

And I have no clue why?
My life was far from what the popular culture would have pegged as "Chirst like."

I have been savagely crtical of Christianity and the church.

And yet, it happened.

Goes to show you God has got to have a sense of humor.

Let's pick this broken down ol' alcoholic stand up comic and work through her..I can hear the Angels plucking an off chord note on their harp strings in surprise.

I guess I was saved for God's rainy days.

I suppose it was always lurking my shadows- Christianity.  Some Jesus-shaped heart was beating within me somewhere.  I remember at one of my many low points pulling open the Bible and just letting the page fall anywhere, it was in one of those "Godelpme" moments (you know, "God help me, God help me, God help me....) and it fell open at Isaiah 54.

My heart is on fire, and it isn't indigestion, it isn't a hot flash, and it wasn't chemically induced...it wasn't even something I wanted or expected. But it came to me, that Holy Spiit, that Amazing Grace and it hasn't left.

what on earth do I tell my atheist friends?

Thy will be done

Thy will be done.
Because I stumble clumsily through love
and relationship
I bumble like an old man walking through
a field of rabbit traps...

Thy will be done
because my words fall- often insignificant-
not giving shape
to the truth I want to impart, but dilute
through unhealed fears.

Thy will be done
because the oversoul holds the power
I cannot fully embody
in this time and space, this earthly place
where I live and love.

Thy will be done
because I am your reflection,
a clearing channel for your subtle grace
a candle lit only by your flame
to shine where you would have your light seen.

Thy will be done
because when my will was done
all was ego ridden force
a wild woman on a horse with no reins
trampling truth and creating pain.

Thy will be done
because when I am out of my own way,
I feel that love, that which reason
cannot fathom bring its magic
bring gifts from a greater mystery.

The broken wolf

The wolf at my door lay splintered and broken
 No more howling at wooden moons.
Why fix that? Why mend what bit and choked me?
I no longer need golden crosses and silver spoons.

Lot's wife once salted my tears, stuck and frozen
tributes to grief, stinging open wounds.
Why hold that? Why cling as if I was pain's chosen
child, a wild mourner singing melancholy tunes

over and over and over, being both torch and song
hiding my light behind heavy death masks
Why wear that? Why the ashes and sackcloth
when the time for grief has long since past?

And so Kali came, disguised in storm and wind
ripping off masks, breaking wolves, melting ice,
leaving me naked, bareboned and awakened
I was loved although chastised

by a higher power, her beauty direct. Strong.
Pennies in a plaster shrine glazed in water
welcome new hope, change immediate. Birdsong
heralds the new love. Venus I am your daughter.

The thirteenth step.

Are you another bluebeard
with bloodied keys?
Puppet master or Ice King
another heart tease?
with a suitcase packed, loaded
up with promises
sandcastles, lies and kisses?

Wives, girlfriends, lovers past
all your ghosts
broken hearts and lives
lined up like soldiers
in firing lines, your tongue
poison tipped and poised
bullet laden hands squeezing
out the noise.

You lick your fingers to turn the page
of a big book you quote
with carefully controlled rage
closing it with a snap
you smile through borrowed teeth and
say, "keep coming back."

Turning wine into water

Caught, stuck in trumped-up overwhelm
wine into water
i'll be my own jesus, but
i'll not let you crucify me anymore.

i can surrender, i can transform
turning wine into water
i'll be my own jesus, but
i won't wear your crown of thorns.

at odds with those who claim to know the master
turning wine into water
i'll birth my own jesus, but
i'll save myself, i'll rise faster...

than a holy ghost at a Baptist's wake
turning wine into water
turning divine into matter
turning death into life
turning hurt into prayer
turning wine into water
the Goddess' daughter.

Lovers they owned.

I don't know how much love I can bear;
my experience has shown me it can tear
a soul to ribbons-
shreds of past promise
shreds of past dreams
that appear ghost like, as echoes,
as shadows in schemes.
I've stood on mountains
I've stood on towers
I've walked on fire coals,
I've trampled flowers...
I don't know why I let love
take me down:
with full faith destroyed
my heart disowned
by "promise you men"
who's true face lay hidden
behind flesh and bone
inked cartoon clones
only animated by
the lovers they owned.

The anti affirmation

If words are important, and shape our futures, why are there so many stupid
sayings hanging around? At the risk of being accused of "having no sense of
humor" (the war cry of the non empathic), I feel very often like stopping people
from hanging their word shit on me. Concious or not, it often strikes me as little more
than passive aggressive verbal abuse by its arrogant projectors:

"anti affirmations" like "Bless your crooked little heart"
and "you are a mess" and "Jesus loves you." I've even heard "keep coming back"
used as a sarcastic taunt.

I'll give you a comeback alright.

No, my heart is not crooked.
No, I am not a mess - or at least if I am, it's up to me to define it and no one else
and let Jesus (or Buddah, Allah, etc) speak for himself. I don't remember
him making you an apostle.

Acceptable affirmations are "bless your heart"
"I believe in you" and "you are loved".

Use your words wisely.....

Stupid Dickheads!