curing celibacy

Celibacy? Abstinence? Making a concious choice to engage in a lifestyle encompassing these goals hardly seemed ideal to me months ago. (Although I note ironically there were times in my marriage where I had already involuntarily engaged in abstinence for some time periods!) It seemed to be an outdated and too rigid a value system for me to embrace.

It's turned out to be the best gift I could have ever given myself. Taking time out to examine the
less than desirable course my life had taken running from relationship to relationship has been a valuable and worthy excersize. Becoming sexually concious is the wonderful pay off. Paying close attention to the sorts of male energies who sometimes circle me at this time has been enlightening, if not down right annoying at times.

Unfortunately I'm finding that the old cliche about "men only wanting one
thing" seems to be true. The risk I run in making that statement is being accused of being a "man hater" or "bitter". I dare to suggest that these are simply attacks by some men unwilling to take a good honest look at their own instincts and behaviors. I am not taking any of that crap onboard anymore. I am no longer willing to seek male approval at the expense of my sanity.

I'm not willing to be pitted against other women in some stupid male based "you can be the queen of my harem" competition either.

For example I had a conversation with a man recently which quickly devolved into perverse sexual babble. I had -honestly, but perhaps unwisely- mentioned I had been very hurt
 re my relationships with men and did so with the intent of letting him know gently that I am not looking for any kind of sexual or romantic liason at this time. What I learnt was that I was dealing with someone who had no sensitivity filter. Instead of taking that hint before continuing in conversation, he seemed to take it as some sort of personal challenge. I listened patiently while he spoke of what he believed a relationship ought to entail ("give and take") and how "sorry" he felt for me (nice, but I wasn't looking for sympathy.) He then proceeded to talk about the kinds of orgasms he felt I must have endured (WTF, who mentioned orgasms? who mentioned sex?) and I remained silent. He continued to talk about the kinds of orgasms I could have etc. And rather than be "thrilled" as I suspect he thought I ought to be, I felt kind of revolted.

After the conversation, I went through the usual self examination and doubt routine, "what did I say or do that might have elicited or attracted such a perverse diatribe?" I can accept that my faults include an openess and honesty that borders on naive, but I also have enough nouse to know that I can draw a line and recognise when someone is just being an opportunistic dickhead. This is how this man behaved. It is not mine.

I made a concious decision to remain abstinent. What is it about sexual abstinence or chastity or celibacy that our culture seems to despise? Before this blog I have not been very open about this personal decision of mine, (it's not necessary.) On the rare occasion I've had to have reason to share
this information I have been met with some very mixed reactions: disbelief, anger, ridicule and respect. It's utterly bizarre.

There have been hilarious but sometimes hurtful assumptions made about my sexual health, my sanity, my emotional and sexual availability, and sexual orientation- all because I decided- let's be honest...I want a year off sex!

I had no idea my vagina's activity (or non activity) could create such a reaction.

It's possibly a good guage of the types of male energy I have attracted around me (unhealthy), so I can remain patient and watch to see if this energy shifts, it would be good to have emotionally healthy respectful male friends in my life.

I do have a few, and continue to be grateful for their company, honesty, humor and insight.
I often worry that some might linger in the hope that they can "cure me of celibacy" ...

I know I open myself to male attack, "who'd wanna f*** you anyhow" and "freak" etc etc. I have heard all that crap before, so I've developed a rather thick skin about it all now.

What I am curious about is where this takes me. The energy of passion and desire can be channelled into so much more for me. A beloved sought, not found on the basis of desire and sexual longing, but on shared interest, respect and friendship evolving into passion is my new goal. Concious sexuality as opposed to the foolish ways I reacted to these energies in the past is the new pathway I walk, the new bed I shall make.  

Men who brag about their sexual prowess, or push, complain, whine, "joke" manipulate and try to flatter their way into sexual liason will no longer be treated 'gently' -why? A swift "f*** off" is all they understand and all they deserve.
There isn't an orgasm on earth that is worth selling myself short for anymore.

This joyful discipline isn't born of any noble spiritual belief system. It's just common sense. My cure for celibacy is love, and I wait patiently for it's coming.