how to tell if you are dating a control freak

Did you check with them first to find out if you were allowed to read this?

Healing through humor

So I should have learnt to be American. I should have learned to sue.
Meanwhile, here's how an Aussie deals with injustice. Humor.
Let me give you a warning,
let me give you advice,
if you go to Grand Canyon
you might hafta think twice...
there are bobcats and lions,
bears and the rest,
but nuthin' as nasty asPark Ranger Hoese.

CHORUS:
She's got a mean face
and a great big butt
she hunts down tourists
in her Ranger truck
she'll give you a ticket
if you wear a grin
she's more scarey than the
drop on the south side rim.
Wa-ooooo

She hates tourists with a passion
she hates children too
that khaki ranger beast
will come after you
if you're on vacation
she won't let you rest
there's nothin' as nasty
as Park Ranger Hoese.

She's got a mean face
and a great big butt
she hunts down tourists
in her Ranger truck
she'll give you a ticket
if you wear a grin
she's more scarey than the drop
on the south side rim.
Wa-ooo.

If you are clean and sober
and you have a good time
she'll still breathalyse you
make you walk her line
if your record's clean
and you pass all her tests
she gets as mad as a skunk
with bad pms.

(v/o:"She'd call for back up if you farted in a forest"... "She's a bigger ass than a
canyon trail donkey" "now I know why them forests are petrified!")

She's got a mean face
wears her badge up front
I'd love to shove her tazer up
her crusty old ..........rock front
if you ever see her on the canyon rim
do us all a favor and push her in!

America's empty pew syndrome

Jesus Christ wasn't a Christian and if results from the American Religious Institute survey are correct, then it would appear, neither are many Americans. According to polling data from the 2001 ARIS study, American identification with Christianity has suffered a loss of percentage points in the last 11 years. Christine Walker, writer from the Huffington Post, reported in her 2008 article, "The Great Evangelical decline," that half of the southern Baptist churches will have shut their doors by 2030 if the current decline in membership continues."

Highlighting these changes in the cultural faithscape, former U.S. President, Jimmy Carter recently joined growing numbers of Americans, cutting ties with traditional Christian Churches. He says his reasons are because of his opposition to sexism within the southern Baptist community.

"I personally feel the Bible says all people are equal in the eyes of God, that women should play an equal role int he service of Christ in the church."(qtd in Atlanta Journal-Constitution.) Mr. Carter is not alone in these views. Some congregations quit two years ago when the southern Baptists declared that wives should "submit graciously" to their husbands. Baptists share their views towards women's roles in the church with other Christian religions.

In October last year, the vatican issued a strong warning to those supporting the ordination of women priests. Father Bourgeois of Georgia, received a warning letter from the vatican's doctrinal watchdog, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the faith. They advised him that if they did not receive a written recant, he would be excommunicated within 30 days.

Shrinking numbers of American nuns over the last few decades has spawned an investigation by the vatican into "Sister Leadership" matters. The doctrinal assessment comes as a result of the vatican's belief that American nuns are not sufficiently promoting the Church's line on homosexuality and other issues.

Not everyone agrees that Christian America is in crisis. Writers, William C. Symonds, Brian Grow and John Cady in their "Business Week" essay, "Earthly empires," claim gallup polls revealed a "rising fascination with spirituality in the U.S." They suggested events of September 11th, along with rising numbers of aging baby boomers, (as you get older your spiritual interest grows), accounted for the sudden mass soul search.

They cite examples of the southern Baptist billions pumped into building theme styled churches to support their claim. Cowboy worshippers, biker chapels, and mega churches are part of the new glory glamour. Children's pastor from the main campus of Goreshcel's Life Church believes "kids are bringing their parents to church," and so justifies the creation of a 3D Christian theme park, "toon town."

Other evangelical entrepreneurs had plans underway for the construction of "Bible park USA" in Tennessee, and for traditional Christian tourists, Jesus is crucified 6 days a week at Orlando's "Holy land" park.

Inspite of their optimism, Symonds, Grow and Cady have neglected to acknowledge it's more likely that non Christians will outnumber Christians by the year 2042. Ironically it could just be that their enthusiastic claims for Christian success, may in fact, account for the waning interest of the formerly faithful. They've possibly outlined the reasons for the nation's empty pew syndrome.

Perhaps people don't want commercialized Christianity? Perhaps they've had enough of McJesus style worship? Perhaps after the scandals of pedophile priests in the Catholic church, they don't want to, (as the Goreschel New Life Church pastor suggested), have their children
used as targets? Perhaps the three male writers have misunderstood why half of the American population are possibly disatisfied with a dated religious patriachal system? Women don't want to have to break another glass ceiling, especially one made of stained glass. Maybe gays want inclusion rather than to be used as religiously sanctioned scapegoats for hate? And perhaps the baby boomers seek something more spiritually significant than "Holy Land USA" to find deeper life meaning?

Mike Harton, writer with the "Richmond Times Dispatch" in Virginia, wrote recently in his article, "Churches facing the boomer challenge," that "boomers are eclectic in their sources of
spiritual cues and do not fit the required conformity of many congregations." In contrast to
the claims made by Symonds, Grow and Cady, Harton observes that baby boomers are less loyal to the faith traditions of their parents.

As for using the examples of Christian theme parks to prove the alleged swell of evangelical
interest, - that's like saying Chucky Cheese is responsible for the renewed interest in goat's milk fetta.

Both Christian amusement parks have run into trouble. The Orlando Business journal reported in January this year, that the fifteen acre "Holy Land Experience" was suffering from financial losses due to less than hoped for attendances. They sold out to Californian Christian company, "Trinity Broadcasting Network." A spokesman for the network said they had no plans for expansion of the park.

Meanwhile in Tennessee, residents in Rutherford county opposed the construction of "Bible Park USA." It would seem that hell hath no fury than a Christian entrepreneur scorned, because developers have since filed a $2million dollar federal lawsuit against the county claiming their zoning application was "improperly denied."

Symonds, Grow and Cady point out how former President George W. Bush and the republican right enjoyed support from the evangelical movement. This maybe true, but the writers fail to connect some important dots. If, as they said, "ranks of Americans who express no religious preference had quadrupled since 1991," could it be possible that George W. Bush and his government played a role in the drops of numbers of faithful? Did people become disenchanted during his Presidency? Did they lose faith after September 11th due to the way he reacted to events? The Christian tenet, "love thy neighbor" certainly did not play a part in this famous methodist's foreign policy.

"Newsweek's" published poll results, revealed that the number of people who considered the U.S. as a Christian nation in 2005 was 71%. That number fell during the Bush era to as low 62% in April this year. While Symonds, Grow and Cody proudly lauded, "the triumph of evangelical Christianity was profoundly reshaping many aspects of American politics and society," they did not say how.

"We were duped," argues Christine Wicker. "All the hype proclaiming an evangelican resurgence was merely that- hype, a furious shout from a faith losing it's grip, manipulation by a relatively small grop of dedicated, focussed, political power seekers."

So, while the old time relgious crusaders clutch at straws, building super dooper Jesus Lands, Virgin Mary-go-rounds, guilt trips and talking in tongue towers; while world harvest churches rape their congregations for what little tithes they can get, the majority of Americans are leaving the church pews in quiet steady droves.

Not surprisingly, one of the nation's fastest growing religions is Wicca, a neo pagan nature based religion. With the growing concerns for environment, and rising numbers of women disillusioned by the misogynistic machinations of a fading patriachal power system, more are turning to the Goddess worshipping spiritual traditions. The original inhabitants of this land, the Native Americans share similar belief structures. Perhaps America has finally come full circle and is about to embrace what truly is the "old time religion?" If so, could this be America's national Karma?

If this trend continues, America will no longer be "one nation under God," but perhaps,
"one nation under the Goddess."

Bail out the rich

What do you do when there's a leak in the boat?

Bail out! It doesn't matter who created the hole, cos if you don't bail out, then everybody on board drowns. This is why I believe that bailing out the auto giants, "big three", GM, Chrysler and Ford, that dynamic duo of housing, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, and indeed the banks,"the big lot of 116", and, -oh hell, any ol' millionaire who's having a tough time. (Let's give Donald Trump a coupla squillion while we're at it, he could do with a new toupee.).If we don't bail these guys out we sink too. That's what we're told. (Apparently none of us can swim!)

With the average American 16,000 dollars in debt (excluding mortgages), and over all consumer debt up 20% since 2000, allegations that the nation's populace are financially illiterate may be fair. The obvious solution is to make sure the averageAmerican has no way to get their hands on any more money. Give it to the CEO's!

The way to look after the little guy, is to save the big guy first! That trickle down theory is the warm wet flow down the trouser leg of a Hank Paulson onto the rest of us....eventually.

Remember that savings and loans crisis of 1987-1989? They were bailed out for a relatively cheap 250 billion. And who profited in the end? The Wall streetbankers who were able to snap up some of those institutions at bargain prices whenthey eventually turned healthy, thanks to the bail out. And now, with a trillion dollar bail out rescue plan, it's inevitable that Wall street will profit again. They couldn't do it without us.

We're the little guy, the taxpayers, the rescuers. We're the powerful ones. Without us where would they be? We can't let the plantation go down. What we've got to accept is that America was, is and always will be a slave based economy. The credit companies, banks and institutions profit from our debt and misery. Should the average American prosper, the entire system might collapse.The illusion of freedom is there, but those of us at the bottom of the financial tier are still bound by invisible chains. We might not like the masters, but the fact is, if the plantation does goes down, where do we go? China?

Already China's premier, Wen Jiabao has expressed concerns about its massive holdings of Treasuries and other U.S. debt, appealing to Washington to safeguard their value. Certainly when AIG received it's bail out and offered it's top executives million dollar bonuses, China must have felt reassured. They knew the money was not in danger of falling into the wrong hands, that of the average financially illiterate, debt ridden American working class! By helping the capitalists, perhaps China presents it's case for communism? It doesn't need to go to war to do this, just lend money.

Why do we stop at money anyway? If we really want to bail out the rich, let's give them more. 47 million Americans have no medical insurance. There's a wonderful crop of organs to be harvested, blood to be drawn; a ready made market for human body parts for the rich just waiting to be exploited in that section of the populace. Like money, what the heck does the average American know what to do with an extra kidney anyway? Give to the needy. The rich are needy for more. Let's all give them our first born children too.

Some foolish suggestions from economists say the problem is not with the banks and institutions but with the housing market. They point out that the best place to start remedying the Nation's economic woes is to begin by addressing the problems there. By putting money back into the hands of the average American and bailing them out of their mortgage and housing debts, institutions risk losing out from their crisis profiteering. That can't happen. The working class are only guaranteed their right to the pursuit of happiness in the constitution. Nowhere does it say they have the right to actually be happy.

As our numbers of homeless grow, (currently estimated to be 3.5 million) and poverty rates increase (35.9 million living below the poverty line), so will the optimism of our nation's wealthy. For the more the numbers of a recession wearied populace grows, the more the wealthy have available to exploit. The more they cutback on education spending, the less likely it is for the average American to be able to literate in any area of life. Uneducated, with no medical insurance, home or money, yet powerful enough to bail out a multi billion dollar institution? Bail out the rich? Ofcourse we say yes.

The poor are too sick and tired to say "no", and thanks to the education system, to illiterate to spell it.

how to tell if you are delusional

If that's the Virgin Mary you can see in yer doughnut...chances are...

Harry Willmore

Harry Willmore. My uncle.

He always wanted to fly. He joined the airforce when he was only 18 years old. At 19 years old, he was in the middle of a war. Vietnam.

He survived it. He survived it the way all vietnam vets survived it, traumatised. His wounds were the invisible kind. The ghosts of Vietnam were always around him.

He was able to achieve what his own father sadly, had not been able to do for him, for his mother or for his sister: he was able to overcome his life challenges to become a responsible and emotionally loving husband and dad. He has five amazing children: Damon, Sean, Renee, Brad and Mark- my cousins- all awesomely talented adults with families of their own.

No one could escape the double act that Uncle Harry and his mother, (my grandmother) Florence Willmore created. It pissed all over Australia's famous sitcom "mother and son"..!!! Together they took the most painful parts of their relationship experience and exploited it for all it was worth comically. They always had everyone laughing. My mother, his sister Marlene couldn't escape his good natured ribs either. We all became his unwitting stooges! His irreverence was part of his life energy. And that irreverence carried over right to the end. I don't think I know of anyone who could have had the composure and mischieviousness to go for a joke in their last breath. My uncle did.

Harry was the bloke who bought you a beer in the pub. He told jokes to everyone. He would rage against social injustice, (and sometimes the price of a beer), and often come home barefoot after giving a homeless guy his shoes. He would rant about the evils of drug addiction, then help a junkie out by giving him food, and lodgings for the night on his couch.
He would burst into loud tantrum-like-angry-tirades over the ills of the world, then go out - quietly- to try to solve them in his own way.

We will probably never know how many lives he touched. He never bragged about his
humanitarianism. He just helped people who he saw in pain or poverty. His capacity to give was as natural as breathing for him.

He coulda been a professional stand up comic. He did give it a bash and did great at it. But he put his family first. He coulda been a professional actor, he scored a few roles in some television series of the day, but he put his family first. (Show business is a notoriously dicey if you want to make a solid living. Raising five kids called for more financial consistency. My Uncle Harry knew that.) Harry Willmore coulda been anything he put his mind to. He chose to be a family man. He loved family more than anything else.

He went on to train as a medic, and worked as safety officer on the oil rigs. He then began his own safety consulting firm. The irony is that he spent his life helping others, and seeing that others were safe, both in his personal and professional worlds, but could not address his own medical needs.

A chain smoker, and boozer! These were his drugs of choice, and who could deny this extroverted larger than life character these socially acceptable self medicaids to help him alleviate the day to day emotional pains he carried? He knew the risks, and took his chances, preferring to have a boistrous energy packed life, rather than a safer sedated one. He needed these small addictive comforts to help him deal with his ghosts. These were his choices.

He was alive. He was full of life. That's why his passing hits home so very hard. It leaves us with a void, a vaccuum.

He entered a room like a happy whirlwind, tossing jokes and one liners around like matches that caught alight in everyone's heart. It didn't matter who you were, how down you felt, how inappropriate you might have thought it, he got under your skin to make you laugh.
That was one of his many gifts. You could love him or hate him; he had the ability to make sure though that you never ever forgot him. And he never held a grudge. He had alot to teach all of us about forgiveness.

Lots of people were praying for a miracle healing this last week, when it was learned he was so ill. But the miracle really, is that he survived as long as he did to inject as much love and positive energy into all he met during his life. Cancer wasn't frightening for him. It was just a "bloody nuisance." It held him back from what he wanted to do. He's already moved on. He's already healed. The true healing now occurs with those of us who are left behind. Can we live, and love with as much joy and forgiveness as he showed us how to?

He was born in England, and he died in England, but his spirit is Australian. His artwork is scattered all over Melbourne, Ivanhoe, in pubs, delicatessens and on murals of restaurants. They weren't hung in fancy art galleries, Harry was a pragmatist! Alot of that artwork went to pay bills, to send children to colleges, to buy presents for grandchildren, to take his beloved wife Marion out to dinner, or sometimes he would whip up a mural for beer money. No worries. He wasn't selfish about it. If he got beer money he would shout you one too if you were "with him".

He was the quintessential working class hero.

Uncle Harry was a proud man. Not for him a long lingering fade out in a wheelchair. He would have given any carer he'd have had hell! He went out surrounded with love. Love from all over the planet. And while it is good to know he is not in any pain anymore, while we understand it is just his body that has been shed, it is because we loved him so much that we mourn so deeply. His kindness and generosity knew no bounds!

The legacy he leaves is one of love, joy and committment. Love of family, love of life, and committment to see that all who he came into contact with, left with a smile or with a lighter heart.

My mother and father, Frank and Marlene Hampson, and my brothers and sisters, Glenn, Guy and Sarah, are deeply bonded to our Willmore clan, thanks to the love of family that's been nurtured by Florence and adopted by Harry and Marlene. We hope our Willmore cousins know -wherever we are on the globe, the Hampsons are here for them in their time of grief, bonded by the love we all share for their dad.

I guess we can take some comfort in knowing that we all have a great welcoming committee waiting for us when we pass over. Harry will be there with arms open wide for a welcoming hug, he'll thrust a champagne in your hand and have you laughing in the light. He's most likely redesigning the "after life tunnel" as I write.

There's a part of me that wants to scream "you bastard" for his leaving us so early. You know he would argue back if he could. But it was his time to pass. His mission was accomplished! And now it is our time to honor his life and legacy by trying to implement some of what we learnt from him in our own lives. Our mission is to make meaning from what we learnt from him.

I believe it's time to love each other, especially during this time of mourning. It is time to be kinder and more generous to each other, knowing in our hearts that when we hear Harry Willmore's famous phrase "are ya with me?" that indeed we are. We are with you always in spirit darling Harry. And now you can finally be free to fly- on your own terms, and in peace.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Urtiyp-G6jY

how to tell if you suffer from bulemia

If you are planning on eating a seven course meal, ordering the "Lunch with bucket on the side".....

chances are..........