The gigs to avoid if you are doing stand up comedy.

If you are embarking on, or working on a career in stand up comedy, there are some guidelines you can incorporate to ensure you avoid guaranteed death. Most bookers do not understand how to set a room for comics. Don't encourage 'em.

1) If you are asked to drop or change material, about five minutes before you walk onstage,
you know you are about to walk the tightrope of doom. Words are your only tools, if someone tries to censor that, -specially at the last minute- they've taken away your props!

2) When the person booking the room starts telling you and other comics jokes before you do your gig, run.

3) Any coffee shop gig with an audience less than ten people. (especially if they are all republicans)

4) Any room that smells like vomit.

5) Any room with tiled floor (otherwise the sound of stillettos clattering across floors between jokes will haunt your dreams like a recurring distorted version of "stomp" for years.)

6) Any gig being compered by an act who has "The amazing" or "The great" as part of their stage name.

7) Any gig where a stripper is on after you.

8) Any gig where the stripper is on before you.

9) Any gig in a shopping center mall.

10) Any gig where the jugglers act died.

11) Any gig where the jugglers act killed.

12) Any corporate function that starts with prayers.

13) Any gig (other than festival gigs in outdoor tents), that has plastic tables. (And there's a reason they serve alcohol in plastic cups as well!)

14) Any gig that wants to put you on during dinner or dessert.

15) Any gig being compered by a rabid Christian or new ager who insists on the right to cut the sound at any point during your set. (cos you know they want to!)

16) Any gig where the main acts wear sequins.

17) Any gig where the bookers demand you don't "swear".

18) Any gig where the bookers demand that you do "swear".

19) Any gig that puts your name up in chalk. .....and gets it wrong.

20) Any gig that has a heavy metal band on before, or after you.

21) Any gig that has children in the audience (specially your own).

22) Any gig with another comic present recording your material.

23) Any gig where the entire audience are wearing cardigans and hearing aides.

24) Any gig where the backdrop consists of a glass window that show through to the amusement park rides and fireworks displays going on outside.

25) Any gig that has a list of performer rules and guidelines longer than a comic's set.

26) Any gig in a Chucky Cheese

27) Any gigs run during an active pool comp (in the pool room.)

28) Any gigs where the dressing room is the men's toilet.

29) Any gigs where the cappucino maker is louder than the microphone.

30) Any gigs with no back door.